I love Facebook memories, some days it’s like pulling out an old album and reminiscing about the past. Other times like today, it made my heart ache.
Last week during a telehealth appointment with my geneticist, She brought up again the stance she and my other specialists have agreed on which is me not having anymore children and thinking about permanent options.
I already knew it wasn’t recommended but I had told myself that maybe it’d be an option as I healed further from my open heart surgery. However, hearing the doctor confirm other diagnosis kinda put the nail in the coffin so to speak, < sorry I’m a morbid freak but sarcasm and jokes help keep me sane.
Now as I look back on memories of my daughters growing I wish I would have savored holding my youngest longer, now I can’t even pick her up anymore. I have so many different emotions and it’s so hard to find the right words to describe my feelings- I’m so lucky to be alive and to be here for my kids, but I’m still sad that I can’t be the same mom I was before I got sick.
Memories have reminded me how I was one of those Pinterest moms who went all out for birthday parties and taught myself to sew all the cute boutique outfits. Finding a balance between what my mind wants to do and what my body will allow is a daily battle now and to be honest it sucks some days.
Josh and I had always planned to try for another baby, hopefully a boy to complete our family. Life doesn’t always work out the way we plan for it to, Ive been through enough in my life that I already know this but, having this decision taken from me even though I know it’s for the best hurts.
Writing down your thoughts can be so therapeutic and a way to process so many emotions. I hope sharing my feeling will help you not feel alone. Battling a chronic illness doesn’t have a manual for everyday life so we’ll have to figure it out together.
With love, Amy