I Guess I’m Lucky Then

As a kid I knew I always wanted to be a mother, first it was playing with baby dolls then it moved on to watching a baby story on TLC.

I would often envision my future and couldn’t wait to experience the miracle of child birth. I became a mother young but, looking back now it’s evident that it was in Gods plan.

2 years ago when my husband and I found out I’d be needing open heart surgery, one of our main concerns -besides my survival- was future children. So we opted for a tissue valve knowing I would need OHS (Open Heart Surgery) in the future to be replaced VS the mechanical valve option which would have required the use of blood thinners for life making pregnancy much riskier.

Fast forward from having my OHS and getting a pacemaker, I was still having issues with my heart rate, I was diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder and fibromyalgia. (If you’ve not read my OHS story, I also had aortic aneurysm repair)

My health team was hopeful by a year post op we could talk about family planning so they could get me off of birth control pills. During my 6 month check up the doctors discovered that I had developed another aneurysm right underneath my graft.

My most recent scans show no growth, thank goodness. But, this discovery plus my on going medical issues meant that family planning wouldn’t be happening. Another pregnancy would be deadly, so surgery was scheduled 11 months after my OHS to remove my Fallopian tubes and a uterine ablation to stop my periods.

I have had thoughts about how unfair it was that the decision to grow our family was no longer ours. Advice about being thankful for our 2 daughters were well meaning advice but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted to have a pity party for myself but, what was that going to accomplish?

I was sitting on my back steps, it was dark but in the country you can see the stars and the moon so clearly. I cried. I prayed. I let all my emotions out into the universe- to god, and it was so relieving.

A few weeks passed since that night, my oldest daughter and I were chatting about the connective tissue disorder I have at the kitchen table. As we were discussing my issues VS her vision issues, she’s -11 (20/600) making her legally blind without her glasses.

Our doctor believes she could possibly have a connective tissue disorder as well, it affecting her eyes. My daughter looked at me and said “ I guess I’m lucky then”. Lucky that she only needs glasses vs heart issues etc. 1 simple sentence from my almost 11 year old, completely changed my mindset.

It all made sense then. God has blessed us with two amazing daughters which we already knew, but God also had a plan. I had my girls young- if I had waited I might not of ever had the chance to be their mom.

I guess I’m lucky then, those words were exactly what I needed to help my self let go of the pain I was holding emotionally and gave me a little god wink in the process.

Images of envelopes with wings in the background with watercolor details. The text in the image says: Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can’t speak. Psalm 56:8

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