The Bellwether Life

Category: Opinion

  • Confessions Of A Gold Star Sister

    Confessions Of A Gold Star Sister

    I walked my oldest daughter into middle school for the first time recently. That in itself is emotional, but as I walked into the school, I was transported back to my 6th-grade year.

    PTSD isn’t just something that can happen to soldiers, but to anyone whose been through a traumatic event. Symptoms of PTSD can include: flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma, nausea, anxiety and more.

    (I also have medical/complex PTSD with symptoms of overthinking, flashbacks, and hypervigilance)

    A flashback is a vivid experience in which you relive some aspects of a traumatic event. As I walked into the school for open house I felt like my vision was clouded with movie reels of events.

    My 6th grade year a tornado hit our middle school, school was delayed 2 weeks. We used the gym, the stage, and trailers for makeshift classrooms. I was sitting in my English class on the stage when we seen 9/11 live on TV.

    As we continued to walk the halls, finding classes and meeting teachers, I walked into one particular classroom and I seen myself in 7th grade. I was getting called for early dismissal, my brother was being deployed to Iraq for the first time.

    In 8th grade I was also called for early dismissal, as I walked into the front office my brother was there. He was on leave and surprised me. He always went out of his way to make sure I knew I was loved.

    These memories seemed so real, like I could reach out and hug my younger self and tell her to be brave. The year after I graduated high school I got a call in the middle of the night; “Your brothers dead” was the words that hung in the air and changed so much in an instant.

    My brother Sgt. Jon Rape, was killed in Kabul, Afghanistan, on August 15th, 2009. He is forever 25. Death anniversaries can be complex and emotional anyways; this year, flashbacks plus the ongoing situation in Afghanistan have made my anxiety and PTSD worse.

    A fellow gold star family member wrote, “Our blood and love are sown into the soil of Afghanistan.” My family and many others have walked a unique path over the past twenty years, from being a kid watching a terrorist attack on TV, watching my brother get on a plane, gun in hand to fight for his country, then watching a soldier lay a folded flag into his widow’s hands.

    We talk about them, not because we’re stuck or because we haven’t moved on, but we talk about them because we are theirs, and they are ours, and no passage of time will ever change that.

    Scribbles & Crumbs

    As we commemorate the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and end the longest war in American history, remember those who paid the ultimate sacrifice.

    And although the battle has ceased, there is still a war to be fought. Many of our soldiers return home with traumatic brain injuries, PTSD, and other mental health needs. More than 20 soldiers commit suicide a day; these staggering numbers outweigh combat deaths by 4x.

    Getting Help & Other Resources

  • 3 Tips For Improving Brain Fog

    3 Tips For Improving Brain Fog

    It’s been a little quiet here lately; life happened. I’ve been busy keeping my ship from sinking, dumping out water while it’s still spilling in.

    Being a wife and mom is hard enough, but adding chronic illness to the mix makes it even harder. I’m the ship with a chronic disease, and holes keep springing with new side effects pouring the water in.

    One issue I’ve had since my open heart surgery has been brain fog. Brain fog can be annoying, frustrating, and embarrassing when you forget something again or can’t recall that word you’re trying to think of.

    Brain fog can cause one or all of these:

    • Fuzzy thinking
    • Problems with short or long term memory
    • Problems with working memory
    • Problems with concentration and focus
    • Problems thinking of the right word or using the right word
    • Problems with numbers or math

    As I’m writing this, I struggle to find my words or remembering where I saw that quote—writer’s block on a whole new level when your words are in a blender inside your mind.

    In the midst of all this, I have found some things that have helped me start a routine to keep my mind working and help ease some of the symptoms. Like I said above, I’m still struggling daily; this is something to do continually.

    Reading is not only a great way to ease stress, but it also helps with memory, along with increasing your vocabulary. You can learn more about reading and memory here.

    Try a new hobby or pick up an old one. We are trying to challenge our brains. Instead of a hobby, I signed up for a free summer college class. I’ve been able to see my hard work paying off. You could also do crossword puzzles, regular puzzles, play strategy games, etc.

    Self-care is so important in managing our mental health and stress. Stress is hard to avoid, mainly when the pressure is caused by your own body failing you. For me, hot Epsom salts baths with my essential oils are a go-to, and I’ve been using Balance, a guided meditation app. If your self-care is exercise, shopping, thrifting, crafting, whatever it is, make time for yourself.

    If you’re curious about which essential oils are good for mental clarity and alertness, you came to the right place. Peppermint, Rosemary, Intune Focus Blend, and Frankincense can also help you regain focus while working. You can learn more here:

    1.) https://www.doterra.com/US/en/wellness-topics-memory

    2.) https://www.doterra.com/US/en/blog/science-research-news-peppermint-essential-oil-and-cognitive-function

    Do you have brain fog or memory issues? I’d love to hear your stories and about the things that have helped you!

  • 5 Ways To Become Your Own Health Advocate

    5 Ways To Become Your Own Health Advocate

    If you would have told me two years ago that I would be sitting here writing about being your own health advocate, I would have probably laughed. I doubt most people even think about this topic, I know I didn’t until I had to become one.

    The Beginning Of My Health Journey:

    What first started as back pain and TMJ, suddenly progressed into chronic pain, edema, high blood pressure, and much more. I had labs and MRIs with great results, then sent to a rheumatologist. At my first visit the doctor kind of shrugged me off, he told me to try Cymbalta and exercise because surely a healthy 29 year old just has a bit of fatigue because she’s a mom and depression can mimic many other illnesses.

    As my symptoms progressed so did my patience, I finally spoke up and voiced my concerns openly and honestly with my doctor. After this conversation he had a much better sense of what was going on with my body and that there was something wrong, we just had to find the right test. Fast forward a few weeks and after a trip to the ER got me a cat scan, they found “inflammation” and told me to follow up with my specialist.

    He got me in to see him on a Monday because of course my ER visit was on a weekend. He walked into the room and said you have an aneurysm and I’m referring you to a cardiothoracic surgeon. The rest of this story can be read here. (This rheumatologist is still my doctor to date, and was a big reason I’m alive)

    Becoming My Own Health Advocate:

    My post-op pacemaker care has been less than stellar, at first I chalked it up to pandemic issues but then when issues arose the doctor was dismissive of my concerns. When I say dismissive, I mean he had an ego the size of Texas and assured me that he knew what he was talking about because he was an engineer. I don’t have a medical degree but, I am knowledgeable about my conditions and had notes/vitals to back me up. Plus I’ve lived in this body going on 32 years, I know when something isn’t right.

    Well, long story short I fired him. I had my local cardiologist refer me to a new electrophysiologist, I was seen quickly and the doctor actually listened to me and with a simple medicine removal my symptoms have improved greatly.

    If your battling health concerns or a care taker for someone, being/having a health advocate is so important. Keep on reading for my top 5 tips to becoming your own health advocate.

    • Be Prepared: Before any doctor’s appointments write down your symptoms, concerns, and any questions you have. It is incredibly easy to get sidetracked and forget to mention something or ask your questions.
    • Be Knowledgeable: I’m not saying you need to go get a medical degree but, once you have a diagnosis it is great to learn what you can about your condition(s) and be proactive in your care plan with your doctors.
    • Speak Up: If you feel like you are not being heard, speak up. Do not be afraid to tell your doctor that they are wrong, Don’t be afraid to get a second, or third opinion.
    • Trust Your Gut: You are the only person who really knows your body. You know when something feels off, you can feel pain- even if it’s invisible. You have lived in your body, your entire life, you know it better than anyone else. When I was having pacemaker issues that the first doctor kept on telling me it was because of low blood pressure. I knew this wasn’t correct, my blood pressure had been stable for months. Trusting my gut and getting a second opinion was the best decision- and now that my issues were addressed I’m feeling much better.
    • Keep A Medical Journal: Keeping a medical journal is extremely helpful, not only can you use it to write down the stuff I mentioned above but this can hold copies of test results, medical records, medication lists, symptom tracker, and more. When I first started my journal I used a binder and page protectors to organize all my information and could take it from doctor to doctor. I now use my Ipad for this but, you can use whatever you have on hand to make your journal.

    Living with a chronic illness (or being a caretaker) can be so hard already, the last thing we should have to worry about is getting decent health care. Have you had doctors dismiss your concerns? I’d love to hear your stories, and I hope my story and tips can help you on your journey.

  • The last Time

    The last Time

    “Cause you never think that the last time- is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don’t.”

    This quote stopped me immediately and I re-read it multiple times. Flashes of the “last’s” swirling through my brain like a movie reel.

    The last time I spoke to a loved one, the last time I picked up my youngest daughter, the last time I was normal- instead of living with chronic illness, depression, and anxiety.

    As a teenager, I was introduced to death. In 2005 my cousin was killed in a freak accident at 25, in 2007 I lost my aunt, and both of my grandparents.

    2007/2008 was my senior year in high school, one morning I walked out of our house and due to straight line winds it was destroyed. When I returned home, there was nothing left. I think God was making me stronger for the tragedy that would come next.

    It was July, hot as hell in Tennessee. We were visiting my brother, his wife and my niece before he deployed to Afghanistan again. This was the last time I seen my brother alive. He was KIA on August 15th, 2009- 15 days before his daughter’s first birthday.

    Sgt. Jonathon Travis Rape 04/09/84-08/15/09

    In 2019 I found out after sudden and progressive symptoms- that I was born with a bicuspid aortic valve and had a 4.6 aneurysm, on July 15th I was headed for Open Heart Surgery. My life was saved and I fully believe it was a miracle, but this was also the year that changed everything for me physically.

    Two weeks before my surgery I was cleared to travel with my family to Gulf Shores for vacation. On this trip was the last time I picked up my youngest daughter- I should have soaked it all in. I thought life would return to normal after my surgery but that’s not how my story would play out.

    Following my surgery, I have been diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder and fibromyalgia. It’s been over 2 years since I’ve had a day where I wasn’t in any pain. And I can’t remember the last time I felt truly like myself.

    Picture of me and my youngest daughter.

    I write this, not for pity. I write this to remind myself of the struggles I’ve endured, the strength I didn’t know I had, and to remember that any moment could be the last.

  • But, You Don’t Look Sick?

    But, You Don’t Look Sick?

    My next favorite ”Get better soon!”, well meaning maybe but, that’s not how chronic illness works.

    I’ve seen blog posts on this topic, I’ve seen peoples thoughts on social media, and now have first-hand experience on how many judge-y assholes there are in the world.

    Last year before Covid turned the world upside down, I was sitting at the dollar general – waiting for it to open after dropping the kids off at school. I was in my minivan waiting, parked in a handicap spot close to the door. There were a few others in their cars and some standing by the door.

    As I watched the worker prepare to unlock the doors, I got out of my van and was greeted with ”Looking healthy today” with his head cocked to the side as if he was scorning me for using that parking place. He quickly apologized when I informed him I was a mere 3 months post op from open heart surgery and was still having issues.

    The sorry wasn’t sincere, he got caught being a judgmental ass. This wasn’t my last encounter with peoples whispers and side glances and Im completely confident it will happen again.

    If you’re not familiar with invisible illness, it includes an array of illnesses and diseases such as Multiple Sclerosis, CIDP, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Connective Tissue Disorders, Dysautonomia, and many others. A quick google search can give you even more information on the different types of invisible illnesses.

    Life is chaotic bills need paid, laundry is piling up, the kids have school work, the dog needs food, medicine needs picked up, there’s doctors appointments all time. As mom’s, as parents we know this is all hard. Add in a chronic illness and it becomes even harder, I say this not in comparaion but to remind everyone – even myself that everyone is fighting some sort of battle we know nothing about.

    A new year is coming and with it I wish with my entire broken heart that we could all stop the sudden judgements and just be kind to one another.